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Happy Thursday, everybody. All right, control yourselves, my goodness. I’m not just a piece of meat. So I think we’re finally realizing the secret truth about the woke. That the number of people who actually believe in this garbage, is like Brian Kilmeade’s fan base, way smaller than we think. 

It’s true, we always assumed the woke had the numbers, but we really, we never really knew how many. Was it 10 million, 1 million, what if it’s just 500 miserable narcissist? What if it’s just, Keith Olbermann. The Hill reports on a new study which shows that people often appear more politically extreme than they really are just to fit in. Of course, there are some exceptions like Antifa, ISIS and the cast of “The View.” But the populace report compares how much people agree with political statements when in public, to them when revised in private, and the differences between stated and private opinions were as big as my quads. They’re big, you’ll see them later, that’s a tease. 


For example, it turns out millennials who tend to be progressive are much more conservative when it comes to education. Why? Because by now they had kids, which means they don’t think it’s all right for a teacher to show second grade students how to twerk, you have to wait until they’re in fifth grade like mine did. Meanwhile, 74% believes parents should have more control over the curriculum. That’s a difference of 26 points compared to their public opinion. That’s more points than Jimmy Failla has on his driver’s license. Now, this, this should actually piss you off. It means that these generations masquerade to fit in rather than step up. In short, they have less backbone than a bucket of snails. It’s this cowardice that enables such terrible ideas to persist. It’s why I get pissed off when I see folks still wearing masks outside. They’re keeping a myth alive. Plus, it keeps me from spitting gum into their mouths. I learned that from my mom.

Now I’m glad people with crazy woke ideas aren’t really crazy woke at all. But does it really make a difference if the people calling me a Nazi are just trying to make friends? For example, they have way more private doubts about racism and gender ideology being taught in schools, that’s big. Meaning the leading cause of stupidity is because it’s cool. Would you have known that if not for this survey? You’re welcome, America. You’d have to ask people in private about their beliefs, and they might not tell. So that means, while they might agree, when you’re alone, they might not stand with you in a school board meeting. They’re like that guy in the “Titanic” who threw on a lady’s wig, so we could board the lifeboat first. Remember that fellas, always bring a wig when you go on a cruise, for a number of reasons. 


It also turns out that those under-30 reject more than just my friend requests. Unlike their public personas, they don’t want CEOs to pontificate on social issues, and they don’t believe racism is built into American life. Again, that’s heartening, but it’s also infuriating. Imagine if these cowards had balls, then we might not have had riots or looting or a crime wave or even better, Democrats in power. If these —- showed up against the tiny throng of miserable extremists on campus or social media, America would be great. I’d tell them to grow a pair, but that means something totally different these days. It’s true, sadly, they’re only honest within their own cranial crawlspace, and it’s there that they’re less likely to favor speech codes or force people to wear masks. But that’s meaningless because it’s private. You got to let that stuff out. This is the U.S., it’s not Iran, for Christ’s sakes. Well, not yet anyway. 

But it’s this public lying that creates an environment where the woke exercise undeserved authority and where everyone else lies to avoid being ostracized like “Fox & Friends” hosts. Half of Americans admit they’ve avoided saying something they believe in for fear of upsetting some jackass. I live to upset jackasses. That’s why I bought that billboard outside NPR. But no wonder no one trusts anything anymore, because if you’re lying, then you know everybody else is lying too. The woke turned us all into the Clintons. Worse, we’re like the audience members of “The View,” nervously agreeing that Ana Navarro seems smart. We are now siloed in tribes, and hilariously, they’re tribes we don’t even believe in. It’s an idiotic thought that the most extreme position is now considered the safest position publicly. It’s like peer pressure, is turning us into a bunch of Evel Knievels.


A plot of fiery death, few monsters and so with dishonest media, along with Twitter’s Blue Check narcissists, and attention starved activists who pelt priceless art with food, that’s forced everyone into hiding behind extreme beliefs.


Well, it’s time we start ruining their true art, which is lying, by not throwing mashed potatoes or soup at them, but the truth. Because never in history has so little done so much harm to so many. And it tells you why, once again, this show’s number one and Stephen Colbert is number two.

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